Hari ini gw lagi happy

Hari ini gw lagi SENANG
Today I am HAPPY
今天我很开心

^_____^

Kenapa ??
Why ??
为什么??

Ada deh.....
It's a secret
就是秘密

Pokoknya hari ini senanggggggg... Lalalalala.... ^____^

Segudang uneg uneg, gradag grudug

Hari ini, saat ini, gw bener2 ngga mau mikirin elo.
Bener2 pengen gw apus elo jauh2 dari otak gw.
Pergi sana!
Sama siapa kek !
Percuma gw lindungin keberadaan lo dan kebersamaan lo kl begini hasilnya
Males banget
Eneg
Gw ngga pengen tau,
Ga mau denger
Ga mau liat
Sebel

Kalo inget jadi mau marah
Kalo tau jadi kesal

Lebih baik ga tau apa-apa
BT !


Eh eh, tapi semalam, kan gw ke bar nih... :D
terus ya...rambut gw di stroke gitu sama cewe
Cewe bule tapi rambutnya item, matanya warna gelap.....
Duh bow, gw sampe deg degan....huahuahuahauha....
sampe blush blush malu !

Tuing tuing ^____^

I love love love !

Pa, I miss u

Papa,
today I miss you so much.
I watch this show about parents with 8 kids, and I realized how lucky I am to share you only with brother.

I realized how much I have grown to be like you.
Punctual and adventurous.
I love you so much and I will always will.

I saw you as my hero when I was still a little kid, and I still do see you as my hero even until right now.
I still think that you know everything and you can solve every problem.
I still look at you the same way I always did

I am so thankful that you are my dad.
I am so grateful that you are still alive, knowing some of my friends dad has passed away.
I can't think of how much I feel so grateful to have you as my dad.
I love you so much and I hope my future husband will make a great of a dad as you are.
Call me Father complex, I don't care. I have a good male role model in my life and I am proud of it.

I wish you long life, long enough as far as you are healthy and happy.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.

I am daddy's little girl, always have, always will

I miss you dearly,

Tessa

Dear Kids,...

Dear kids,
It's your mom writing to you.
At this time, U weren't born yet.
U're not being conceive yet.

It's just me, your mom
talking to you.

I always want you since a long long time ago
I often imagine that you are growing inside my belly
I feel excited just to think that one day I will give birth to you
That's how much I've been expecting you.
Long before you were here.

I wish and I hope and I pray that you will grow perfectly.
Your organs will developed perfectly and it will work properly,
all of your body parts are complete,
you will have a healthy body and mind and soul.

I will take care of you, don't you ever worry about it
Mommy will keep you warm and safe,
I will teach you how to talk, I will read for you
We will have so much fun together with daddy, and maybe your sisters and brothers

I will teach you how to read, and we will have lots of books at home
I will take you travel and from there u will learn that there's so much to see in this world
I will teach you responsibility and forgiveness,
I will let u know that the world is not always fair, but life is worth living, every single second of it !

I want you to know that your family will always be there for you
During goods time we will celebrate together
and on the bad times we will mourn.
You can always count on us, and u shall trust us for we only want the best for you.

I love you long before you were born
I don't promise you what we will be rich and that you will have all the toys in the world,
But I promise that we will have a house, your warm and dry place to live.
Education will always be there for you, and you will always have clothes to wear,
and you will never be hungry/thirsty.

Please understand that I, as your mom is not a perfect person
I might snap at you, I might hit you, I will yell at you.
We will have our own hard times, and I hope you will understand that I'm still a rookie in this parenting thing.

What ever happens, we will love each other
Always.

Dear Kids,
I love you, long before you were born

Sometimes things are better left unsaid

I read this post on a forum which I joined.
This guy has a secret which he dont want to tell to his current gf.
What the secret is, I don't know and I don't care to know.
He just ask us (readers) whether or not he should tell his gf before he is married.
It was a part of his life in the past and he was scared if his gf knows, she might not want to marry him.
In the other side, he thought that before they get married his gf should know everything about him, he should be totally honest to her.

People told him that he should think, whether or not his gf will ask about this.
and he said no.

Then people told him that somethings are better left unsaid.
If u don't tell, it won't cause any hard to anyone.
But if u tell, it might cause harm to the relationship.
So what's the point of telling her ?

Furthermore, people told him if not telling the secret to his gf bothering his mind, then he should just tell her with all the consequences.

I personally think that I agree, sometimes, some things are better left un said.
Not saying anything doesn't mean u're lying.
Lying is when the fact is A and u said B.

Well, for me sometimes I don't want to know so much.
I don't care so much
and I wish I just don't know as much
Because by knowing it will bothering my mind
it will break my heart
and I will be fine if I don't know.

When my grandma passed away, June 24th, 2007

Taken from my FB notes :)

My English sucks, but I still type in English. Who cares ! I'm not a native speaker anyways... Hahaha... :D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today I went out with my mom and aunt. And when we're on the car, they're talking about the last days of my Oma.

My oma passed away almost 2 years ago,Sunday - June 24,2007.
and that time I wasn't at Jakarta. I was in Beijing.

They said that, during the last day of her life, she was very sick, and sometimes not very nice. Sometimes she can be very high temper and stubborn. And sometimes, she just cried, out of no where.

During her sick time, until her last days, I always kept in touch with my mom, and also with my brother. I got updated by them, either by sms or by phone. I know that most of the time mom is at Oma's house, taking care of her. I know she's busy, and sometimes she is just too tired to listen to my story.

Oma almost passed away on Wednesday, I received a text message saying that "Oma's condition is very very bad", I know everybody (9 childrens, some in laws and grand childrens) are already gathered at Oma's house. They said that Oma's face is already as white as a piece of paper, starts to cold. They already told her that if she is very tired, she is free to leave them. But somehow, she made it back to life. Warm again.

But on Sunday morning, I was getting ready to go to swim, and my dad called. Bill pass the phone to me, then I said "hello?"
I hear papa on the other side of the world, said "Tessa, Oma just passed away"

I dont really remember whether I cried or not. I guess I do a little, but I remember that I seat on my bed, and pray.
I am not going home. There's no need to go home since everyone will be very busy, and the cost is also not cheap. Oma's dead, me going home won't change anything about it. So I go to my computer, and started to type.

Below is my email to my dad ( u can read the translation on the bottom)

Pa....tolong donk ini di print....dan tolong dibacain waktu orang2 smuanya berkumpul...ga harus dalam acara resmi seperti doa atau apa, tapi ketika semua keluarga berkumpul...aku ga ada disana, jadi aku cuma bisa ketik ini dan minta dibacain aja...siapa aja boleh baca....kalau ada bagian yang mau di-edit or di perbaiki, silakan, tapi artinya jangan menyimpang ya....

Terus, fotonya kalau bisa tolong dicetak ya pa....ngerepotin nih....

thanx n luv,
-tessa



Selamat Tinggal, Oma....


"Tess, Oma baru aja meninggal" , Itu kalimat yang papa ucapkan ketika ia menelponku di Minggu pagi hari, 24 Juni 2007

Pikiranku melayang, mengenang omaku...Oma yang sederhana, penuh kasih sayang, sabar, sesosok Oma idaman bagi setiap cucu di dunia...

Tidak pernah sekalipun ia marah kepadaku...setiap waktu yang kulewatkan dengannya adalah saat-saat penuh cinta...Cinta seorang Oma kepada cucu-cucunya...Cinta yang begitu tulus dan hangat.

Aku akan selalu mengenang Oma sebagai pribadi yang riang, penuh cinta, dan ia selalu memaksa kami untuk makan bilamana kami datang ke rumahnya..."Tessa makan ini deh..." , "Tessa, di meja ada makanan tuh, tadi oma bikin. kamu makan gih..." atau, "Tessa hari ini mau makan apa?" Aduh Oma, aku bisa gendut deh kalau begini....Tapi tentu saja aku akan melahap segalanya yang ia siapkan, makanannya enak-enak sih.... ---> tolong bagian ini dibaca dengan nada yang jenaka... ^__^

Sejuta kenangan indah bersama Oma, dan selamanya tidak akan terlupakan...
Kini Oma sudah pergi, kembali ke pangkuan Bapa di Surga...23,5 tahun aku mengenal dia....Dan kini Ia pergi...Kembali ke kedamaian abadi, dimana tiada rasa sakit, tiada penderitaan...Kembalilah dia ke rumah Bapa yang senang, bersama dengan malaikat-malaikatNya....

Selamat Jalan, Oma....doa kami akan selalu menyertai perjalananmu...

dari cucumu yang akan selalu menyayangimu,
-Tessa-

After I typed it, I went swimming with Bill, and I remember that I could do some 20++ laps nonstop, while before I can't do 4 laps without running out of breath. Normally I'm a weak swimmer.
I remember that when I keep on swimming like crazy, Bill was there, and I feel like he never took his eyes of me, ready to help if I got cramped or what, and time to time he accompany me swimming.
I remember I didn't feel tired after I did all those laps.
In the night time I called my brother, ask him about all the updates there. He shared with me. And I felt that I didn't left behind just because I wasn't there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now when we remember what happened back then, and during discussion between my aunts and relatives, they said that, when Oma wasn't very nice, she is "cutting the love line" (memutus tali kasih, inggrisnya gimana ya ?), means that she is not very nice to people, to her kids, so that her kids will not like her a little bit, so it won't be too hard for them to let her go.

When she cried out of nowhere, means she is sad, she knows that she won't have so much time to live anymore.

And turns out that things like this happened to some of our relatives whose parents already passed away.

Believe it or not, But I know or at least it happens to my mom, to my aunts...

Today we talk about her, and I miss her.
Since I wasn't there, sometimes I forgot that she passed away already.

Well, she is dead, but I know that she will always be there inside my heart.

I miss miss her. I will never see her again whenever I go to her house.
I missss her....



Translation of my email to papa :
Pa, please print this out, and read it when everyone is gathering together. It doesn't have to be in a formal occasion like praying time or something like that, but when our family are all there. I am not there, so I can only type this and and I wish this to be read. Anyone can read this, if there were any parts that u want to edit, thats fine, but don't change the meaning.
And please print out the photo as well. Sorry for the trouble.
Thanx and love,
Tessa

This is to be read :
"Tess, oma just passed away, thats the sentence that papa said when he called me on Sunday morning, June 24, 2007.

My minf flew, thinking about Oma. A modest and simple Oma, full with love, patience, a kind of grandma everyone could ever wish for.

She never mad at me, not even onece. Everytime that I shared with her is a lovely time. A love from grandma to her grandchildrens. A sincere and warm love.

I will always remember Oma as a cheerful, full of love person. She always asked us to eat whenever we come over to her house. "Tessa, eat this thing, ok ?" "Tessa, there's food in the table, oma just cooked it, u should eat it, ok ?" or "Tessa, what do u want to eat today ?"
Oh oma, i can get fat so fast if u kept on doing this ! But of course I will eat all of these food which she prepared, it tastes good ! ---> please read this part with a funny tone.

Millions of good memory with Oma, and I will never forget.
Now Oma has gone, back to heaven, together with God. I've know her for 23,5 years, and now she's not here anymore.
Back to the eternity, where there's no pain, no suffer. She go back to the happy place with God and all the angels.

So long, Oma, our prayers will always be with you.

From ur grand daugther who will always love you,
-Tessa-

I will be here

I love this song.
It sounds like a wedding song *sort of*,
but I find it soothing.
To remember that that's what relationship should be.
To be there for each other.
To help each other to pass each days during the hard time.
To celebrate success and to mourn during failure.
Call me lame, but I love it :)


Title : I Will Be Here
Artist(Band):Steven Curtis Chapman


Send "I Will Be Here" Ringtones to Cell

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here, so you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we’re older, I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.

I will be true to the promise I have made,
To you and to the One who gave you to me.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here.
We'll be together and i will be here.

another quote from grey's anatomy

Borrow it from Edison because I'm too lazy to find it by myself :
"Yes, you do. You're just scared to do it. This back and forth is just fear. You've already made the decision. You made it. You made it the second you decided to fight this thing. Just look, look where you started. Look where you are now. I mean, now you're this incredible surgeon, and teacher. You're a doer, remember? You know exactly what you have to do."
-George O'Malley,Grey's Anatomy-
Thanx, Dison !

Well, actually when u face something u actually know what do u want to do. Most of the time you do. Most of the time u know where u stand, ur opinion.

U take action to make a realization of the decision that u made in ur brain. But sometimes u don't do anything about it.
Because of fear.
The fear of what might happen after u take the action.
The fear that u might regret ur action.

I talked about it with my friend, and he said "sometime i just did not do anything sometimes i changed, but most of the time when i changed i felt happy, feels like some weight is taken away from my shoulder"

That's so true
U know what u want, and once u get what u want, u will feel relieved

It takes time and courage to get over ur fear. And there's no need to rush about it.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I feel weird



I realized that Grey's anatomy have lots of good words to quote

The fear of having kids

Lots of people thought that having kids is scary.So they decided to postpone, wait wait and wait.

Me, as a baby craze myself, find it scary too sometimes.
But I don't think it will that scary.

I think it's wiser to have kids when u are younger (between 22-30).
The reason is simple.
U are young, and assuming that you are healthy.
U're still strong, physically and emotionally.
U are on ur productive age, means u can get a good job and earn a living.

What I scared of from having kids is all the never ending responsibility of taking care of them, feeding, diaper changing, sleepless night, messy house, etc.
But that's small thing, because behind that, there's huge thing which includes : love your kid no matter what, bring them up as a healthy, smart, happy, responsible kids. That's harder.

But I believe it can be reached if we teach them about discipline since they're young, let them know that the world is here to be asked about, responsibility for their action is also important, and to teach them not to give up, and more than anything, ma and pa will always be there for them.

Success is not determined by how many trophies that they won and how good they are in class.
Success is when they are able to help people who needs their help, is when they feel happy and contented, when they can share love to other people. That's success, because not everyone can do that.

The older u get, the shorter u can spend time with ur kids.
The younger u are when ure having kids means you have probability to spend more time with ur kids and watch them grow old and possibly to see grand childrens !

Having kids is a BIG responsibility and most of people did a good job on this.
IF other people can do that, why can't you ? Why can't I ?

Having kids will give you a hard time, but u will have all the happiness which u can't have if u don't have kids.
Having kids is tiring, but with a good management, it will be controllable.
Having kids doesnt mean u wont have any time for yourself, u just need to want to have time for yourself and let go the kids with the nanny.
Kids aren't porcelain. They're stronger than what u thought.
And not being with them 24hrs/day, 7 days/week doesn't make u a bad parents.
U need ur own time to refresh, and its good for you and ur kids.

So, why bother to be scared about having kids.

Everything will be going just fine.
All we need to do is work hard on it and believe it.

Have a nice Sunday, people :)

one fine day

Today was a one fine day

Starts my day in the office and have a meeting with a guy from JAS forwarding company.
After meeting, I pretty much got nothing to do !

I did all that I have to, and anticipate what I shall do. Then I can't find anything else to do.

Theeennn....I read my friend's blog (ika)
I read the cheap travel blog
I imagine about my trip
I dream about it
About people that I might see and people that I WANT to see :)

I got off work around 6.45, then I walked around and talked on the phone with rossy for a while.

Met So for dinner at the hotpot restaurant.
Ate there till 9, then we walked to starbucks nearby and I got Ice caramel macchiato, and a chocolate truffles.
So got Chocolate Ice blended.
We sat there and talked for almost 1 hour.
Quality conversation and it's nice to have that.

We walked back to my place, I let So to borrow some of my books.
Then he left at 12.

I took a shower, and here I am.
Sit in front of my computer, enjoying every second of the good feeling from today.

Ikal, sini !

Inspiration and motivation

Today I got really inspired and motivated than I ever had before.

I read the blog of my elementary school friend, ika, who is travelling around southern europe, for 70 days and all by her self - backpacking !

I read her blog slowly, eating up all the words she put and feel a huge huge spirits come over me and I really feel that I WANT to do it as well !

Before, I already want it, but sometimes it feels kinda impossible to do it.
But reading what she is doing now (yes, she is still on her trip) inspired me more to do it with my self and I believe if she can do it, means I can do too !

I can feel my heart is pounding and I got teary eyed when I read her blog.
What an amazing journey she is having right now.
Being a 25 years old, and travel for 70 days, and having the time of her life !

I can't hold my self to send a text message to my pa, I said :
"I am reading my elementary school friend's blog, She is travelling to southern europe for 70 days, on her own, backpacking and it only cost 5-6K $ ! I got really inspired and motivated"

Pa's reply is short : "Do It !!!!!"

I got teary eyes once again when I read that. What a lucky girl I am to have a very supportive father.His support means a lot to me. Thanx, papa !

I replied to him : "I will go next year, now I'm gonna save as much as I can.I can only do it when I'm still young and single. This is the only time to do it."

Then he reply to me : "Ok, do your best, I will give you some money if you need it"

I can only say Thanx for his offer and support, and said in my heart "thank you God for best dad ever, and God bless both of them always"

So here I am. Trully inspired to save every cents to make my dream journey come true.
I will make my dream come true and I mean it.

You will see. I will make it through !
I will make it happen just because I want it bad enough and I have a faith that I can.

O my...!
I feel like running and jumping and rolling on a green grass now ! I'm so full with energy !

Having a dream makes life is more exciting. Means you have a goal.
Who cares if I become broke after the journey ?? The opportunity doesn't come twice in life.

YAY to travelling !

bla..bla...bla...

This will be a mess...!

1st thing 1st,
Gw nge-blog karena gw suka.
Mau baca, silahkan.
Ga mau baca, ya sudah.
TAPI, dilarang complain !

Nomor 2.
I got introduced to this website : www.hospitalityclub.org and I so love it !

第三
I feel grateful for being the youngest and the only daughter in the family.
Why ??
a. I'm the prettiest kid
b. I'm papa's only little girl
c. I have the whole dolls for my self
d. All clothes are mine, no need to share with sisters (5 doors closet means something, right ?) ^__^
e. I have a big brother to protect and stand up for me
f. I learn how to fight and kick ass by fighting my brother all the time
g. I can make my papa and my brother play dolls, house, kitchen with me
h. The benefit to learn faster than ur big bro, play marbles better and to know the most up to date boys cartoon and video game
i. I can wear my mom's pajamas, papa's and my bro's shirt, but they can't wear mine :D (I let them if they want!)

And never in my life I want to have a little sister. I used to ask for a little brother, because I enjoy to be the only girl :)

4. I am starving right now

5. Mau cat rambut warna hitam gelap lap lap lap !

6. Really want to buy scrapbooking stuffs

7. Needs to save money

8. Have tons of books to read

9. Hungry... :(

10.Keep imagining going to Europe for holiday

11.Will try the best to attend my BFF wedding in Germany next year (will do it together with number 10)

12.Takut kehilangan

13.Thinking about the ideal life partner (read: husband)
a. should be a He, Male !
b. dark haired is preferable
c. open minded
d. kind and caring
e. loving
f. responsible person
g. steady income (haha !)
h. open heart, ready to forgive when mistake is made
i. fertile, bcoz I want to have kids with him
j. faithful
k. honest
l. healthy
m. not so much drinking, no drugs and prefer not smoking (well, he can smoke farr away from me)
n. determined to work hard on our relationship
o. willing to take care the house, kids and other chores together
p. handy, means he needs to know how to change tire, check the oil in the car, build a DIY stuffs, knows how to paint the wall.
q. able to speak english
r. well educated
s. same religion
t. On time !

WELCOME to the IDEAL world !!!!
Anyone meet all the criterias ??! =)

That's it.
I Quit on number 13 !

Have fun people, have a nice weekend !

blogspot got blocked (again !)

Blogspot got blocked in China (again !)
I'm using a proxy so that I can access to my blog.
But still, it's sucks !

Won't be writing so often then...

Take care people !!

I miss mom...

Mama, I MISS You


I need ur presence...


I LOVE YOU !

May 12, 2009

It was today, May 12, a year ago.

Last year at this day, the earthquake in Sichuan happened in the afternoon (2.48pm)

That is also the day I went to Shanghai.
Leaving my safe and comfortable nest, being thrown away to the mean and beastful Shanghai.

Remember that day I felt so so sad.
I was crying from the moment I woke up, when I said good bye to my aunties, when I wen to my grandma's house, and when I was sitting in the car on the way to the airport, till when I have to say good bye to my parents.

That's the 1st time I cried when I have to go to China.

And I was still crying in the airplane.

It was embarrasing.

It was horrible to feel really sad and scared to go.
But then again.

I've been here for a year now.
And I think I've changed a lot.

I'm independent.


Yeah, I should say it proudly that I am independent.

Thanx papa-mama-kakak and friends who helped me through the hard times.
Love you all so much :)

Over the cycle

After the cycle (which is on the same time with the full moon) is over, my mood is getting better.
No more mood swing and depression is better.
I'm glad for it's better for my insanity :)

For the time being, I decided that I will hang on here.
And learn as much as I can.
And I will live to look forward. For a beautiful life which wait for me ahead.

My dear holiday which I dreamed about.
Backpacking in Europe.
Carrying my backpack, and sleeping bag.
Getting ready to not taking shower, brush my teeth on public bathroom and sleep on the park.
What an adventure that will be.

Now it's simple.
Live life to the fullest.
Enjoy and cherish every moment.
Avoid any mistake
Be positive and
SAFE MONEY (means less shoes, socks, undies, purses... lol)

I should keep this spirit with me.

BUT...hahaha....of course I will still whine if I need to.
This is the reason why I have a blog.
To simply spill it out.
And feel a little bit better after that.

This week I start the excursion of my ugly doll(s)
So far I have 2 uglies, Big Toe and Beep&Bop
They are cute little dolls which I adore with all my heart for their ugliness
I would like to capture their pictures in several different places.
And next year I hope they will travel to Europe with me

Thinking about to bring it to my brother's wedding ! :D

Oh oh, SH is really hot now.
It's 34-35degrees no.
HOTTER than my lovely Indo !
Nose is wet
Neck and back is wet too

My nose, arm and neck is having somewhat allergic reaction (I never had this before)
But they are so itchy whenever I went out in the sun.
Why oh why ?? I dont know.
I only know that it's torturing, imagine me scratching my nose till its swollen and red -_-"

Summer is here.

May 13, it will be a year since I were here.
On that day, I will try to write on what's happening since I'm here.

1 minute

1 minute
It was only 1 minute


^____^

"You", Me, Him

So that's why "you" should stop to see me as a happy and contented person.
Having this and that.
I tell "you" what, I'd trade what I have now just to sip the happiness that other people have.
To finally feel peace and not nervous and being jumpy.
To stop worrying about what is going to happen on the next day.
I'd do that.

So please please and please...
I've shown so much sign, "you" know when I complained,
"you" heard me crying about it,
I told "you" that I want to find a new life,
yet "you" told me to hang on.

I know "you" dont want me to give up, but this is eating me up from the inside.
I can hang on here, but I'm rather scared to see the impact of it in the future.
I know "you" love me, and I love "you" too so that I don't want to just leave until "you" say I can leave.

I told him too, hoping that he will deliver my message to both of "you"
I wish he would talk, because I know that "you" would listen.
If "you" hear what I told him, will you let me go ?
Will "you" ask me to change my life ?

I'm waiting for "you" to tell me that it's okay to find a new life
I love "you" so much so that I dont want "you" to be stressed because of me

I know "you" haven't heard so much about me, since there's distance between us.
I know "you" didn't see me when I am having a rough time in my life.
I know "you" can't hear when I make a wish before I go to bed to not wake up on the next day, when I was so depressed.
I know "you" can't hear me crying in the shower or on the bed till I fall asleep.

It's not "your" fault.
I wasn't with "you", and somehow I don't want "you" to know.

And sometimes I also asked my self
Am I too weak ?
Am I not strong enough ?
Is this a test ?
Do I have to hang on?

Then I think again :
I'm not happy, I should help myself
I'm depressed, I should help myself

If I don't help myself, then who would ?

Am I complain too much ?
Or is me who just a baby ?

I don't know.
That's why I'm still here.
I need to hear from "you"

Will "you" talk to me about this ?

Someday maybe we will

The Road

Book : The Road by Cowan McCarthy.
From Wiki : The Road is a 2006 novel by American writer Cormac McCarthy. It is a post-apocalyptic tale of a journey taken by a father and his young son over a period of several months, across a landscape blasted by an unnamed cataclysm that destroyed all civilization and, apparently, most life on earth. The novel was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction and the James Tait Black Memorial Prize for Fiction in 2006.

The Plot :
DO NOT READ if u want to read this book !!!

The Road follows a man and a boy, father and son, journeying together for many months across a desolate, post apocalyptic landscape, some years – the period of time almost the same as the age of the boy – after a great, unexplained cataclysm. Civilization has been destroyed, and most species have become extinct. The sun is obscured by deep, dark clouds, and the climate has been altered radically. Plants do not grow. Humanity consists largely of bands of cannibals, their food-source captives, and refugee-travelers who scavenge for food. Remnants of corpses are seldom seen.

Ash covers everything; it is in the atmosphere, it obscures the sun and moon, and the two travelers breathe through improvised masks. Plants and animals are apparently all dead (dead wood for fires is plentiful), and the rivers and oceans are seemingly empty of life. Very rarely do the man and boy encounter any sign of non-human life.

The boy's mother, pregnant with him at the time of the cataclysm, was overwhelmed by the desperate and apparently hopeless situation and has committed suicide some time before the story begins. Her explanation, offered by her as a pragmatic view, was that they would all be raped, killed and then eaten, and that there was no hope left for a different fate. She welcomes death with open arms. The father however, although bitter, is determined to ensure the survival of their child, a source of hope. The man is literate, well-traveled, and knowledgeable about machinery, as well as woodcraft, and human anatomy. It is hinted that he might have once been "a doctor or something". He is alert, attentive and aware, and applies all he knows to anticipating and overcoming the challenges he knows are ever-present. He realizes that he and his young son cannot survive another winter in their present location, so the two set out across what was once the Southeastern United States, largely following the highways. They aim to reach warmer southern climates and the sea in particular. Along the way, threats to the duo's survival create an atmosphere of sustained terror and tension.

The father coughs blood every morning and knows he is dying. He struggles to protect his son from the constant threats of attack,exposure, and starvation, as well as from what he sees as the boy's innocently well-meaning but dangerous desire to help the other wanderers they meet. They carry a pistol with two bullets, meant for suicide should it become necessary; the father has told the son to kill himself rather than be captured, although he fears that the boy will not do it when needed. The father struggles constantly with the knowledge that he will have to kill his son when they are captured to prevent him from suffering a more horrific fate, such as becoming a chained catamite held captive by a marauding band. The man and the boy encounter such things as a band of captives locked in a basement, their limbs gradually harvested by their captors for meat and a decapitated human infant being roasted on a spit. This only hardens the man's resolve.

In the face of all of these obstacles, the man and the boy have only each other (they are "each the other's world entire"). The man maintains the pretense, and the boy holds on to the real faith, that there is a core of ethics left somewhere in humanity. They repeatedly assure one another that they are (among) "the good guys," who are "carrying the fire."

In the end, having brought the boy south after extreme hardship but without finding the salvation he had hoped for, the father succumbs to his illness and dies, leaving the boy alone on the road. Three days later, however, the grieving boy encounters a man who has been tracking the father and son. This man, who has a wife and two children of his own, invites the boy to join his family. The passing mention of one child being a daughter implies that an eventual adolescent pairing for the boy is possible, the first and only ray of hope given in the storyline regarding the future of humanity. The narrative's close also suggests that the wife is a God-fearing and compassionate woman, who treats the boy well, a resolution that vindicates the dead father's determination to stay alive and keep moving as long as possible.

Comment :
GOOOOD BOOK !!!!
The dialogue is simple eventhough mention no name at all, and also no quotation marks at all.
The story is easy to understand, but somehow depressing to imagine about living in the world like that.
Haven't read a book this good in such a long time.
The ending is satisfying, because it's clear on what's happening.

Score :
9/10

Afternoon craziness

Yesterday my colleague (and somewhat like a big bro), Danilo, bought his flight back to Italy.
He is taking Emirates, roundtrip, 1 month ticket and the ticket price is RMB 3600 !! (tax INCLUDED !)
CRAZY !!!

I was so surprised since a month ago I checked with Finnair and its 6800RMB for roundtrip ticket (tax included), and I thought : Cheap.

I so when I saw D's ticket, I wannnntttttt to go !
*drooling, crying, pouting*
-- Can't do anything about it though, at least not now--

I want a holiday, I want to go to Europe (actually I want to try to live there, but it seems kinda impossible for the time being)

I want to go to Germany to see my good friend Felice (and beg her to make me black forest with lots of rum !)
and
Italy to have my home made dinner and gelato for dessert. Maybe I can have nuttela before sleep too.... ^___^
Oh and I want to go to France, and get proposed in Eiffel Tower
I will bring a paper and write down : I'm Dreaming of being propose in Eiffel. So, PROPOSE ME !!!


Hahaha.... a little bit of dream is good for your health.

Now ??
woman cycle = sleepy and tired and sleepy and tired

Told u, no baby on the way !

Soon

Soon it will be so hot so that I will be arrive in the office with a wet face and shirt !
Soon it will be so hot so that I will be so lazy to go out and eat
Soon it will be so hot so that I will take shower 2-3 times a day
Soon it will be so hot so that I will sleep with A/C on and no blanket
Soon it will be so hot so that I will only wear huge shirt at home
Soon it will be so hot so that I will eat ice cream everyday
Soon it will be so hot so that I will put lotion on my feet all the time to prevent cracked heels
SOON....




I miss mom.

I am Committed !

I am committed to :

1. smile when I just woke up (hope this will help to make my days better)
   
2. knit at least 5 rows/day (baby blanket should be done !! no no no, I'm not having baby on the way !)
   
3. save more money every month (for my Europe holiday sake)
   
4. not buy purse for the next 3 months ! (enough for the time being)
   
5. text my mom at least once a day
   
6. text papa at least once a week
7. called mom at least once a month

加油加油！！！

F*CK LIFE !

Yesterday I sent an email with flight schedule, and the original flight which I have booked for him.
Then he replied :
"Ok please check with ABC on my schedule in BJ on May 17. If the meeting is at 1600 hours then I can take the same flight with DEF.

But if the arrangement of meeting will be in the afternoon then take CZ 1111 departing at 10:25 and arriving at 11:35. Please arrange the flight of DEF the same flight with me."

So today I asked ABC what time the meeting will be, and he said its on the 1600.

So I booked and order to the travel agent to issue the ticket.

When suddenly on chat he said :
"did u see what I wrote to u yesterday
u must check with ABC
if we hv a meeting at 2 in BJ then I must leave in the morning
did u check or not?"

Me :
"I checked already. I asked ABC what time the meeting is, and he said its 1600 hours, so I follow this word : If the meeting is at 1600 hours then I can take the same flight with DEF."

Him :
"ok then no problem
if you were to look at the pricing
the morning flight is cheaper than the afternoon flight.
am I right?"

Me :
"yes, ABC told me that the meeting is at 16.00. Thats true, price in the morning is cheaper."

Him :
"so then take the morning flight at 11 o'clock
is a cheaper right?
why waste money
next time
YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE TOLD THIS WAY
I can not believe it.
I really can not believe
what u have done to me???????
this is really unbelievable
I believe it is best if you take a one week holiday and think what u plan to do
this is the best way
and see if you can fit well or not
this is really rediculuous
where is ABC?
then pls make sure if TW has done the appointment or not
do not want to be there where the appointment is not made properly
if you want to be proper,
u must think ahead
ask GHI and ABC to arrange
and u sort it out
and pass the info to me for finalization
but when u solicit all this arrangement u must know in detail what they tell u so that when I asked you, you can tell me
not if I ask u then u tell me, ok wait, I hv to check with GHI or ABC
this is stupid and do not make sense
if you take over meant you take care over completely
especially when u r meeting a person like me
do u understand?"


I was so upset when I saw that chat. WHY and oh WHY ?!?!?! I checked and the meeting is at 4pm, and then he said that if the meeting is at 4pm, order the afternoon flight !!!
And now he is saying that I'm stupid and wasting and whatever he told me ?!?!?
F*CK THAT !!!

I called my dad and told him the whole story.
and he said that it's not my fault because I'm following his instruction !
GOD DAMN IT !
He told me that I shouldn't be scared and I should defend my self.
Yeah, defend my self and got him scold me again. F*CK LIFE !

ALWAYS my fault.
Following instruction = MISTAKE
Not following instruction ALSO MISTAKE

SO ??? WHAT NOW ?!?!

F*CK this life !


selalu selalu selalu tessa yang salah. tessa yang bodoh, tessa yang tidak ber-otak, tidak berpikir.
Ga pernah mikir apa jadi orang tuh jangan ganti-ganti keputusan, or kalau bicara tuh ditepatin !
SIAL !

Immediately, ASAP, just being punctual

I should say that I'm a very punctual person.
I was born with a very on-time dad.

I remember when I grew up, my brother got beaten a lot by mom/dad just because he arrived home late when he went out to play.

I got beaten once, and since then, I became a time control-freak.

When I said : I'll be home at 5pm, mean I will be there before 5, probably 5-10 minutes earlier, sometime 30 minutes earlier.
But if I arrived late, eventhough its only 5.01, I got freaked out. I can't stand the feeling of knowing that other people is waiting for me.

In other thing that I do, I am also rushing. Means I want to do stuffs ASAP !

Bad thing is :
I got crazy when I am driving. I won't care anything as long as I can reach my destination place on time. Not 1-2 times I put myself in danger because of this "rush feeling" inside of me.

I tend to do things too fast, so that I miss details and it got me in trouble.


I told mom that this starts when she hit me that 1 time a long time ago. I feel nothing about that anymore, it's just the effect is haunting me till now. Mom apologized (she don't need to! I'm the one who made her worried !) and I said it's okay. It was 15 years ago.

Just thinking that I should try to slow down.
In everything that I do, I need to slow down.

The word : immediately, ASAP, fastest, or whatever it is is unnecessary to be use to me.
Because I already FAST ! :D
Just need to be accurate.

BUT, my manager here loves to use the word IMMEDIATELY,
and me and my friend make fun of this word all the time (^_~)

long weekend

Last Friday, May 1 is a public holiday here in China.
So that means holiday for me too ! Long holiday.

Thursday night I ate hot pot and fish at Xijiao Bailian

Jumat ke rumah Rossy, went to the market and buy veggies and shrimp and chicken
then I cook :

• Kangkung cah terasi
• Soto Ayam
• Tom Yum soup
• Fried Rice

After eat we went to Carrefour, and Rossy bought a bike !
Then went back to her house and play wii till midnight, go back home, read my book, sleep at 3.

Saturday :
Went to Xijiao Bailian to do a bit of shopping, then meet up with Alfa and Alice to have dinner, and play arcade games. Got back home around 11, read book, then sleep

Sunday:
Happily stay at home, Sleep the whole day ! I woke up at 10, and go back to sleep at 1, woke up around 1, then watch 2 movies, read CELL, nighttime went to Xijiao Bailian (AGAIN!), got dinner there, got back home, watched 2 episodes of Meteor Garden, read book, sleep at 12 .

My book is getting so exciting !!!! Soon to be done though !
Time to consider another book (Ken Follet, maybe ??)

I love reading !

It was a very relaxing long weekend indeed.

Go find a new job !

Not everyone who is working becoming like you !

What ? What happened with me ?

Don't u hear what you just said ? You're stressed !

I am stressed.

You're more than stressed, you're depressed.

But people who are working are stressed.

Stressed Yes. But not depressed. Not everyone who is working is told that they are stupid, not everyone who is working got threatened that they will get fired, not everyone who is working got threatened that their boss will call their dad. Not everyone who is working becoming so suicidal like you !!

Me ?? Suicide ? I never want to suicide. I only wish that I go to sleep and never wake up in the morning. I dont want to kill myself !

What's the different ?? You wish your life is over !

Well, I do sometimes, but I don't want to end it myself.

Do you feel happy ?

Mmm...I feel okay.

When was the last time you feel really happy ?

Probably on 2007, when I haven't think about work.

Why ?

2008 I have to think about work. Then I go home on March for training and I was so stressed and depressed because I saw people got scolded. I'm scared ! Then I came here, and I was so lonely and so scared I cried myself to sleep. I got scolded harshly on August. September I went to Seattle and I wasn't so happy, because I know it's gonna be over and I will be back to Shanghai again, alone. And then Bali, I should be so happy there with my parents, and seeing my friends. But I dont dare to get my feeling fly high, because I know I will be back to Shanghai, again. Back to my real world. Well, I guess you are right. I never cried when I fly back to Beijing because I know I will have a great time. But everytime I should fly to Shanghai, I cried.

How many times have u cried the past 1,5 years ?

I don't know, more than I can count. I cried myself to sleep, sometimes in the weekend I felt so depressed and lonely so I take my pillow, cover my mouth and scream and crying. I cried in the shower too. I have spill so much tears.

Aren't you tired ?

I am

Go find a better job ! You deserve better.

I'll think about it.



a conversation between .... and .... in .... world.